If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all...

I guess that was this month for me. I promised not to be doom and gloom and ended up not writing anything at all...

On the plus side another month is over. I've applied for 17 new jobs-one in which I actually knew someone who knew someone and sent my resume off to corporate.

I've gotten a handful of rejections from agents-well, truthfully two handfuls and I've sent out a handful more queries.

I somehow missed the deadline for early application for the Master's program- even though I sent all my stuff in- heard from all my rec letter people that they sent their stuff in weeks before deadline AND I sent a follow up e-mail asking if anything was missing days before deadline... deadline came and went and the college sent me a letter to let me know they did not have one of my rec letters. I called. The letter was sent March 29. They couldn't find it. I faxed a new copy...and now I wait for the next deadline to see if I'm accepted... semester starts in June. Second acceptance deadline is May 31st...so probably January. If at all.

I'm still "undivorced" as that has to wait until I can support myself and have health insurance.

Oh, and we are still getting four or five calls a week looking for escorts or ladies looking for work. Crazy.

Meantime, I'm warm and dry and fed. So, no complaints. Here's hoping for more blogs in May.

Making an effort

In an effort not to be so filled with doom or gloom, I am posting positive things this month.

I have applied for a Master's degree program. It is a two year course that works around full time employment. Early admission deadline is April 21st. I think I have everything sent in. I'm waiting on the last of my recommendation letters. And most importantly the financial aid.

In the meantime I have applied for three jobs this month.

I had coffee with an aspiring writer who told me I was a beautiful woman. Which was nice- embarrassing-but nice. I thanked him and asked him to tell me more about what he writes.

I am so far from being ready to think about dating, etc. But I have finally understood that while I will always love him, I am no longer in love with the man I am married to. Acceptance is the last stage in grief. I'm there. Finally.

Update

I notice all my posts this month are filled with gloom, doom and despair. Sheesh- I'm as bad as the media.

Interestingly enough we have started getting calls again for the escort service. I had a young woman leave a message that went on and on about what a good worker she was, how she was 30 but could pass for 25, a full description and-love this tip- how she knew how to work a credit card machine so they wouldn't have to pay in cash. Crazy.

We've also gotten "customer service" calls from people claiming to be yellow page reps-from their cell phones- wanting to know if we're happy with the ad. Is it for real? Wouldn't they call from the company phones? I don't know-if so, that guy is losing money by not calling the companies and fixing the snafu. If not- then he's still lurking trying to get us to give up the number...

Odd, isn't it?

gloom despair

I am not posting like I should. There are no interview stories this year. No interviews since November. Oh, join a group, they say. Go out be with other people looking for jobs-groups forming everywhere. Blah- I'm not a joiner.

I've been battling deep despair- It's hard work to get up in the morning- to shower- to go see friends-I wondering what I'm doing here-I have no purpose...kids raised-can't get my stories published- can't find work-and yet- here I am- breathing, eating, taking up space... Doing my damnedest to be cheerful and entertaining on line-promote my books- cheer on other writers and friends. Meanwhile inside I'm bawling- always bawling- grief despair...sigh.

So, I gave myself purpose- wrote an entire 55,000 word book in three weeks to see if I could- judged a contest-now what?

I've decided to get my Master's degree- but reading the requirements- all lofty, wordy, high falutin' silliness...I have decided on the MA program at Seton Hill-An MA in Writing Popular Fiction. Which is what I do- where my gift lies. So with much worry and fear that I'm making yet another mistake, I am moving through the hoops necessary to apply- application filled out-check-request for letters of recommendation sent out-check-transcripts ordered-check...I still need to write my letter of intent, add a writing sample, fill out the financial aid forms-then wait...

Wait to see if I'm accepted. Wait to see if I can get enough money to pay for this adventure.

Meanwhile I am rewriting parts of an old book, querying agents on a thriller I wrote, applying for jobs, and battling the despair and grief that chokes me every moment of every day. And I dream... I dream of having worth, purpose, value. I dream of the day I'll be a real person-a real writer with a real job and perhaps a real love...

Stalled

Yep- still stalled. It's March 18th and so far I've applied for 11 jobs that most closely match my qualifications. There are others that I could do-but last year's interviews taught me that in this economy there are always other people with actual experience in the field who will get the job first. So, I tend to stick to applying for what I do...

To save my mental health I am looking at going back to school. Why does this save my mental health? It gives me something to do while I job hunt. It teaches me new skills. Takes me in new directions.

Right now I'm looking into two very different paths- 1) I am considering a Masters in counseling with the thought that I would like to counsel women in the position I and my friends find ourselves-hormonal changes and life changes at midlife. No one really tells you how to cope and doctors all seem to shrug or pat us on the head and say this too will pass. But it is shocking to wake up one day unable to do what you did before. Now you have to take care of the "old" woman you're living inside or she will go mad- things like, rest more, eat better, exercise more, calm down more, etc. It's a pain.

2) My second thought is- maybe I should be who I am- a writer. So I'm also looking into MFA and MA programs in creative writing. The goal there would be to teach at the junior college level and continue my writing career. Perhaps even build up a speaking workshop sideline for writing groups and other organizations. Must be careful though- I've heard a few people say that nothing ruins a good story telling voice like an MFA program... also- I'm not really into experimental fiction...

Question is- which direction do I go in? How do I pay for it?

I'm making a list of pros and cons. I'll let you know what happens. Meanwhile, I apply for jobs.

bits and oddness

Couple, two or three things...

1) Headlines this morning scream unemployment hasn't been this low since 1983...good news is I got a job that year.

2) I don't know if you believe in psychic abilities or not... but I was in the middle of a loud dream when I heard my son's voice say - "Someone come help me." Then again-this time, pissed off as if he'd been hollering for some time and no one was listening. "Someone come help me!" Since he wasn't in my dream and his voice was not part of the dream- I woke up. Looked at the clock. It was 4:30 a.m. My son lives 600 miles away. He works nights- sleeps in his car for two hours between jobs...it was time for him to be in his car- so I got up and called him. At first he didn't answer-which, I'm not going to lie made me a bit nervous-but then he called before I could dial again. Seems he wasn't at work- his car had blown a second tire the day before and now sat on the side of the highway- he'd gotten a replacement tire only to discover that someone had thrown a rock through his back window shattering his back windshield. He was pissed and pacing-But safe! Thank God. Strange what connections we humans have.

Finally:

3) My daughter asked me what GOP stood for- why do they call the Republicans GOP but the Democrats Dems? Huh. I didn't know. So we hit Wikipedia... Here's the answer- The Republican party was the party of Lincoln- they were an "upstart" party (fairly new) and full of their victory. So, sarcastically were called the "Grand OLD Party" Shortened to GOP. "So," my daughter concludes. "You have a who bunch of people proudly calling themselves something that started off as making fun of them? Wow- kind of like Yankee Doodle- I cringe whenever they teach little kids to be proud to sing Yankee Doodle. Don't they know it was the Brits making fun of us-yet there we go... pretending like that's a good thing. Huh, sounds like the jokes on them." Snort. Hmmm, sarcasm gets lost in history I guess...

Doom and Gloom

I've been writing posts in my head and somehow they don't quite make it to this blog. Huh. The news is stuck in this sort of gleeful, hand wringing. Telling tales of more doom and gloom. Look here- a purchasing manager can't find work and is applying to be a life guard. He says if that doesn't work he's also applied to be a parking attendant. Bwahahah- see how bad. People with multiple degrees are reduced to finding jobs usually reserved for teens...millions out of work. Millions more to come.

The stock market will never recover-wring hands-oh, no... the new president's policies are too radical- we're all doomed! Sheesh-(Give them time people. It hasn't even been two months.) I remember just three years ago when they were reporting breathlessly how unusually high the market was- how they were sure it would crash at any second. But wait! No it's going up and up!! Record levels...Breathless-waiting for the dooom! Does that crap really sell papers? This is why I turned my back on journalism and went into marketing. I was never one for whispering gossip and making it as juicy and breathless as possible. Reminds me of gossiping old ladies.

They keep saying- the world has changed-forever! Hello- it's no different for those of us who never spent $20 a day on Starbucks. Who didn't keep trading up to bigger and bigger McMansions. Who paid out bills. Didn't live on credit. Grow our own fresh veggies. Recycle. I never had a lot in the stock market- couldn't afford to save that way. I never bought designer duds-never jumped in with the supposed "rest of the world" and competed with labels and vacations. Etc. We always paid our bills. Rented movies. Had a 15 year old television. A 5 year old phone. We always used things until they dropped.

And yet, my life wasn't that doom and gloom. Sure, it's tough out there. I'm not going to lie. I have applied for 50 jobs so far this year with five rejections and no phone calls...none. (I think they fired a lot of the recruiters...) But you know- there are still ads in the paper. People are hiring. It's still a matter finding a fit. So in the face of hand wringing journalists, I stand up and keep going. Sooner or later- things will get better. They always do.