Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Mad as Hell

Anger is useful. It tells us when our boundaries have been blown. It should be used to propel us toward fixing said boundaries or at the least recognizing that the situation stinks. Rage on the other hand, is useless as a tantrum. Still it can burn clean any humiliation and shame sticking around.

I be patronized. That's what I was on Monday. I was basically told-this is the big city honey and you can't play here. But we might be able to toss you a few crumbs-are you interested in freelance?

I want to pull out my hair. Freelance will not get me a home of my own. It will not get me insurance. It will not pay my pension-God, with the stock market in it's current state, I won't even go there.

I am a college educated, intelligent woman with years of supervisory experience and multiple problem solving talents. What is wrong with the world?! ? When I apply for jobs all I get is "You aren't good enough-but poor thing, here are some crumbs." What really sticks in my craw is that two years ago my soon to be ex husband sent out one resume and was hired-with a huge jump in pay. He is eating up my misery-wallowing in his success and happily "supporting me" in my poor attempts to find work.

On Monday, I was walking back to the train station-caught a light as it was turning and scurried across. I thought-better hurry -don't want to get hit by a bus. Then the next thought was- maybe being hit by a bus is the answer...

Just anger talking. Rage at injustice burning through. After 36 hours-the anger turns my heart to steel and today I'm back at the job boards. If nothing else to prove to myself that I am employable- no matter my age or my gender.

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